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June 2004 ETC Corner
Taming the Tattletale
By Ginger Plowman, Certified speaker, and author of Wise Words for Moms and Don't Make Me Count to Three!
"Christopher's not letting me play with the ball!" "Sarah's calling me names!" "Tommy won't let me in the bathroom!" Sound familiar?
Tattling reigns as one of the most common behavior problems among siblings. Unfortunately, it is overlooked rather than dealt with properly in many homes. Parents often pardon rather than correct the tattler simply because they do not know how to deal with the issue. While some parents are frustrated with their inability to control the problem, others try to rationalize their decision to avoid correction.
"After all," reasons one parent, "if my child is doing something that he ought not do, why does it matter how I find out?" Another parent says, "If one of my children has been wronged by his sibling, I would rather he come tell me than to fight back." While these are reasonable arguments for not correcting the tattler, they overlook the damaging effects tattling has on sibling relationships.
Tattling is typically motivated by one sibling taking pleasure in the other sibling's suffering, which ultimately creates an atmosphere of opposition and conflict. Siblings who are committed to getting one another in trouble will wedge a thorn of distrust in their relationship, disrupting the harmony of the whole family.
Parents can tame the tattletale and cultivate peace and unity among siblings by incorporating these four steps:
Step 1
Help the tattler understand his motivation. Parents can teach the tattler how to discern matters of his own heart by asking thought-provoking questions. Ask questions that will cause the tattler to take his focus off of what his sibling has done wrong and onto his own wrong motivation.
- Sample Questions - "Sweetheart, could it be that you are taking pleasure in getting your brother in trouble?" "What are you hoping will happen to your brother as a result of your tattling?"
- Benefit - By teaching the tattler to determine his own motives, you are teaching him how to "think through" his actions, which will enhance his ability to make good decisions.
Step 2
Help the tattler understand the damaging effects of tale-bearing. Remind your children that they will have a longer relationship with one another than anyone else they know. More than likely, they will be friends long after their parents are gone and long before they meet their marriage partners. Therefore, it is important that they nurture their friendship. Encourage them to be best friends and to seek every opportunity to develop a bond of closeness. Explain how tale-bearing divides friends.
- Sample Questions - "Honey, how do you think your brother/sister feels when you tattle?" "Will tattling bring you closer to your brother/sister or tear you apart?"
- Benefit - Directing attention to the importance of their friendship helps them to see past one another's wrong doings and develops an attitude of unity in their relationship.
Step 3
Help the tattler replace tattling with encouragement. It is not enough to reprimand your child for tattling. Punishing for wrong behavior without teaching right behavior can frustrate your child. You must teach the tattler how to replace wrong behavior with right behavior.
- Sample Questions - "Rather than tattling, what could you have said to encourage your brother?" "When you encourage your brother/sister rather than tattling how do you think that makes him/her feel?"
- Benefit - Teaching your child how to replace wrong behavior with right behavior helps him to grow in wisdom for daily life.
Step 4
Teach the tattler to practice what he has learned. Training is more effective when your child is required to put his knowledge into practice immediately. The training will stick better when the child uses it in a "hands on" situation. Have the tattler act out the right alternative to his wrong behavior.
- Role-Play - Lead both children back to the scene of the crime. Allow them to re-enact what happened. Require the tattler to encourage his or her sibling to do what is right. Require the sibling to heed the encouragement and thank his or her brother.
- Benefit - Role-playing causes your child to put the verbal training into practice, equipping him to respond better to similar situations in the future.
Children learn by repetition. Be willing to work with your children over and over. On those tiresome days, when you become weary from taking the time to teach them, remember Galatians 6:9, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Exceptions to the Rule
Child should come directly to the parent if another child is:
- Not heeding encouragement
- Endangering himself
- Endangering someone else
- Destroying property
You Can Strengthen Your Marriage
By Rachel Olsen, Certified speaker
Rejection, pain and anger… it's a cycle all too easy to fall into once the honeymoon is over. Allow me to illustrate: wife gets angry about the way husband handled (or didn't handle) something and criticizes him, her harsh judgment embarrasses and hurts so he withdraws into longer hours at work, she feels rejected and lashes out in protective anger, he begins believing he will never meet her expectations and avoids her, sex tapers off or even stops, she nags him about ignoring her and the kids, he never feels truly welcome in his own home, she wonders if he is interested in another woman, he blows off her fearful accusations, and so on the vicious cycle goes. In this month's issue of the Proverbs 31 Woman, author Jill Wagner attests to the power that 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 had in helping her break this cycle.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)
How do we love our husbands with a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love? Here are five tips to keep in mind.
1. Be thankful for the husband you have. Spend some time focusing on his good qualities. Make a list of them. Think about what attracted you to him in the first place. Do not look at other men and assume they make for better husbands - simply don't go there!
2. Do not drag up old "crimes" in the heat of a disagreement. Not keeping an account of wrongs, means not using his past mistakes as present ammunition against him. In our US court system it is illegal to try someone for the same crime twice. Once God forgives us, our sin is as far removed from us as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). So it should be in our marriage.
3. Do not allow long periods of fiery anger, or smoldering silence. Ephesians 4:26 warns us not to let the sun go down while we are still angry. In other words, we are to make sure we reconnect relationally after an argument before the day is through. It's not that we shouldn't ever be angry at each other, frustrations and disagreements are a normal part life. However, God holds us accountable for being quick to forgive and eager to work things out.
4. Do not withhold sex, for manipulation or punishment. Paul says in Ephesians 7:3, "The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband" (NIV). The Bible also advises us not to take revenge on each other, but to leave that up to the Lord (Deuteronomy 32:35). God designed sex to be the ultimate expression of love and unity between husband and wife. Do not treat it as anything less.
5. Pray for and with your husband regularly. It is hard to remain apathetic towards someone you pray for daily. Pray for your husband's safety and health. Pray for him to have wisdom and integrity. Pray for his success on the job. Pray for his friendships. Pray for his ability to lead his family well. I believe you'll find you also benefit when these prayers on his behalf are uttered and answered. Another sure-fire way to increase marital strength is to regularly pray aloud together - trust me and try it tonight.
The bottom line of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is that we should continually strive to build our husbands up, not tear them down. Adopting a servant's heart towards your spouse, and keeping mindful of these five tips will ensure that your love for one another remains strong.
The Gift of Prayer
By Ramona Davis, certified speaker
Prayer is an awesome gift from God that many people choose not to open. When I contemplate this gift, words vanish and I stand in awe of God. I find it absolutely incredible that the Creator of the universe and all His hands have made, desires to give His undivided attention, lavishing His everlasting love to me through prayer! Isn't it awesome and almost inconceivable that we can come into His sanctuary and bow before His throne and have His full attention! And even more awesome is the fact that you and I and millions of others can have His full attention at the same time!
We have an incredible gift, the gift of prayer. The Creator who stretched out the heavens above us, flung the stars all into place, poured the mighty oceans that rise and fall, and designed the intricate detail of a butterfly wing, wants to spend time with us in prayer. We do not have to have special permission to enter His throne room. We are never sent away to come back later. We do not have to be announced before we enter. We do not have to be escorted by anyone (Christ already did that for us). We can come into His mighty, awesome presence by prayer at any time.
He already knows us. He knows every thread of our every thought and motive, yet He desires we come to Him to speak heart-to-Heart. He has given us full access to His throne room and Himself anytime, day or night. He is faithfully attentive to the voice of His child. All we have to do is come, just as we are.
God commanded in the Old Testament (Deuteronomy 6:5) that we love Him with all our hearts, with all our souls and with all our strength. Jesus tells us in the New Testament (Matthew 22:37) that this is the greatest commandment. How can we love God to that depth if we don't spend time with Him to fully know Him?
Have you committed yourself to a daily prayer time with God? How I wish I could come into your home, sit with you and tell you of all the amazing ways He has changed my life in such a short time through prayer. Since that is impossible, I encourage you and I challenge you to commit to a daily quiet time and let Him amaze you at all the ways He will transform your life.
How do you develop a discipline to daily prayer?
-First, repent of any "lukewarm" places in your relationship with Him.
-Make a serious commitment to spend daily time with Him, and ask Him to help you keep that commitment.
-Then, set your clock 10-15 min. earlier and get up! That is sometimes the hardest part! (I know you have a lot of responsibilities with your family and your sleep is important but 15 minutes is not a huge sacrifice.) I believe we are to follow the example of Christ who awoke early in the morning and went to a solitary place to pray.
There is not a right or wrong "recipe" of prayer. This article will not, nor will any other, teach you the "right way" to pray. Prayer is born out of a need to communicate with the Most High God. How you pray depends on what you are praying about. I will offer some suggestions to help you begin your quiet time, but ask Him to lead you and He will.
- Use a good devotional. Sign up for Proverbs31 Daily Encouragement devotionals that can come to you through email. If you don't have a computer, purchase a devotional book.
- Read through a Book of the Bible in short daily readings. Begin with the Book of John or the Psalms.
- Pray honestly about anything and everything on your heart.
- Ask for forgiveness for any sins you have committed.
- Praise Him! Praise Him for who He is and what He is. Your growing love for Jesus will cause your heart to sing His praises all through the day.
- Listen to anything He reveals to you during this time or anytime throughout the day. Discipline yourself to listen to the Shepherd's voice. (John 10:1-4)
- I also recommend keeping a journal of the transformations He makes in your life. This journal will serve as a great faith builder and encouragement to you later.
- Remember to carry prayer throughout the day even when your quiet time is over.
I am already excitedly anticipating all the changes God will make in your life, and I'm praising Him in advance! Be committed. I will be praying for you, I promise.
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