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November 2004 ETC Corner
Helping Your Husband Through the Storms of Life
By Zoe Elmore, Speaker Team Member
Over our 25 years of marriage, I've enjoyed the privilege of being a helper to my husband each and every year. I had no idea, however, how important my role as helpmeet would become in our marriage until his job of twenty-eight years was eliminated earlier this year. As many months have passed without employment in this difficult economy, I have learned much about what it means to support your husband in good times and bad, for richer or for poorer. Allow me to share some of my tips with you.
Creating an Oasis
Creating an oasis to come home to has always been important to me as a wife. I want our home to be a place of refreshment, renewal and restoration. Now that we are in this time of transition, I make a special effort to pour life into my husband as the world seems bent on draining it from him.
First, I give my husband time and space to be alone with the Lord every morning. I also willingly leave his "meeting place" (our dining room) untouched.
Second, I love telling my husband that God's choice for an employer will appreciate all of the gifts and talents he possesses. It brings me great joy to fill my husband's face with kisses before he leaves the house, telling him that he will be a blessing to everyone he meets with today.
Third, I try to be home when my husband returns from his job search in order to greet him with a big hug and a kiss; to begin filling up the empty places that the world has stolen with their rejection. Remembering that it takes ten positive statements to undo one negative statement, I relish this opportunity to be my husband's biggest cheerleader.
Finally, it is critical that I remind my husband with my actions as well as my words that he is my beloved - that he continues to be a valuable and desirable mate in my eyes. I look for opportunities to practice the "art of being a newly wed."
Bearing and Sharing Fruit
The best way for me to be the helper my husband needs is to be reading God's word and be in constant prayer. The Lord has lessons he wants to teach me during this difficult time and the best place for me to learn those lessons is on my knees.
I want my life to bear the fruit of those lessons learned, and I try to be sensitive to know when to share those lessons with my husband - in conversation versus lecturing tones of course.
My goal is to listen to my husband twice as often as I speak; after all, the Lord did give me two ears and one mouth. The more I listen, the better equipped I am to "speak" the love language my husband responds to best.
When "storm fronts" of grief approach, I gently remind my husband that this is normal and temporary. We have been told by a grief counselor that both of us would circle in and out of the first six stages of grief until my husband "lands" his new job. This has been helpful information; to be reassured that it is normal and expected to have feelings of denial, anger, guilt, depression, forgiveness, and acceptance before we reach the final stage of recovery.
Being my husband's cheerleader is exciting and exhilarating. It could also become exhausting if I'm not careful. I learned early on in our marriage that if I'm going to pour into the life of my husband, I must drink from the fountain of spiritual strength and energy on a daily basis. The living water I receive from God's Word and the Holy Spirit not only quenches my thirst, but allows me the joy of fulfilling my husband's desire for a true helper.
In conclusion, we are both confident that this "thorny transition" is just preparation for God's greater work yet to be revealed. In the meantime, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and for the opportunity to be an on-going help to my beloved.
An Attitude of Gratitude
By Micca Campbell, Director of Outreach, Speaker Team Member
Did you know that out of an estimated one million adults God delivered out of Egypt, only two made it into the promised land? Once freed, the Israelites experienced great blessings from God. He provided food, water and victory in war. So why did only two people out of a million make it to the promised land? Could it be that we are making their same mistake in our quest for an abundant life?
In 1 Corinthians chapter 10, Paul warns us that the Israelites had two problems that angered the Lord. One, they craved evil things that God had forbidden. Two, they desired good things that the Lord had not yet provided. Not only did they want what God had not given them, but when the children of Israel didn't get it, they grumbled and complained.
They were discontent with what they didn't have and ungrateful for what they did have. (Sounds a lot like me at times.) The bad news is this is the sin that kept a million people out of the Promise Land. I believe this same sin is the reason so many Christians today are wandering around a dry spiritual desert instead of enjoying the promised land Christ came to give them.
If we want to please the Lord, get out of the desert, and live the abundant life Christ came to give us, then we need to heed the example given to us from the children of Israel. The natural solution to an unthankful heart is to cultivate an attitude of gratitude.
First, We Must Cultivate a Thankful Heart
Have you ever noticed that thankful people are thoughtful people? They recall the sacrifices God has made for them through out the year. They are always grateful for their salvation, the Holy Spirit, and eternal life. Thankful people also never forget the kindness that's been shown to them. As a result, they become more attentive towards the needs of others. Thoughtfulness is the fruit of a thankful heart.
Second, We Must Cultivate a Trusting Heart
People who trust God are contented people. They have learned to say in troubled times, "Lord this is not what I would have chosen or what I had planned, but I look to you in love and trust; knowing that You have my best interest in mind." Psalm 61:8 states, "Trust in Him at all times, O people. Pour out your heart before Him. God is a refuge for us." God is not only on the job during the holidays, but on all days. "He is our ever-present help in times of trouble." Our Father desires us to trust His heart when ours is breaking or unsatisfied with His provision.
Third, We Must Cultivate a Humble Heart
Humble people are happy people because they rely on God, through prayer, for everything. A humble heart runs to God for daily strength. "O Lord, Thou hast heard the desire of the humble; thou will strengthen their heart. Thou will incline your ear." We don't capture the ear of God by grumbling and complaining. God is eager to listen to our cries when we humbly depend on Him through prayer. Here is an easy tip for praying with a humble heart.
P-praise Him!
R-remember and thank God for everything.
A-ask God for His provision for others.
Y-pray for yourself.
Purchase a journal and begin recording every time God provides for you, answers your prayer, or reveals Himself to you. Then, when you're tempted to complain, read your journal and thank God for all He has done for you.
You don't have to struggle in the desert anymore - your Promise Land is waiting! An attitude of gratitude is the path that leads the way.
An Intentional Thanksgiving
By Rachel Olsen, Speaker Team Member
Do you ever find Thanksgiving to be a stressful event whose main purpose seems to be to overeat and then fall asleep in front of the TV? Do you long for a more enjoyable day? What you may be in need of is an intentional Thanksgiving.
Webster defines intentional as: "done, made or performed with purpose or intent." An intentional Thanksgiving is one that is planned in advanced and carefully carried out with clear goals in mind. Here is a three-pronged approach to an intentional Thanksgiving.
Determine Your Needs and Goals
I'll never forget my first Thanksgiving at my in-laws' house after becoming Rick's finance. My father, a widow, came along with me on the trip to North Carolina to meet Rick's parents. On Thanksgiving morning we all congregated in the kitchen. My future mother-in-law waltzed in, looked in the pantry and nonchalantly said, "I'll make the shopping list, who wants to go to the grocery store for us?"
After picking my jaw up off the floor, I agreed to go along on the grocery shop. It was simply astonishing to me that we had to get all the necessary fixings ON Thanksgiving morning, but several of us went to the store as a group and had a blast doing it. When we arrived home, each of us were given a recipe card and became in charge of making that dish. We talked, laughed and cooked together that Thanksgiving, having a great time as well as a delicious meal. The family has photos of the fun (and sometimes chaos) that ensued blown up and framed on the wall to this day.
While I thought my future mother-in-law's lack of preparedness bordered on blasphemy at the time, I came to realize that this was her way of: 1) not getting overwhelmed by doing it all, and 2) bringing the family together to do something as a team. Not all Thanksgivings at her house have been that way. Some years the meal was cooked almost entirely by her, other years we each brought a dish to the event, and for yet others we ordered the complete meal catered - Thanksgiving dinner arrived in cardboards boxes!
We've had Thanksgiving at her house, at my house, delivering with Meals on Wheels, and even once at a hunting lodge followed by an afternoon of riding four-wheelers through the woods together. Each year the meal has been yummy, memorable and more importantly, it met it the needs of our family at the time. We never quite know from year to year what our Thanksgivings will look like, but we always know we'll have turkey, sweet potatoes and lots of fun.
If the food and its preparation has become the sole, overwhelming focus of the event, you may need to set some different goals for this year besides cooking and cleaning for a group of twenty! Shift the goal, for instance, from "me cooking all the traditional dishes" to "getting everyone to participate by cooking or bringing a favorite dish."
Turn Hearts Toward Home
Many a woman has gotten caught up in trying to prepare the moistest turkey, the tastiest dressing or the most-like-Mom's gravy. There is nothing wrong with any of these goals, as long as they don't overshadow or even prevent you from drawing nearer to God and family on this day.
One thing my family has become good at is valuing how fun and easy the holiday is for everybody over how perfect the food turns out. We look forward to talking, joking and playing cards or board games as much as we do eating the turkey or the pumpkin pie.
Is there something your family would really enjoy doing together this Thanksgiving? What can you do differently this year to bring your family together in fun or meaningful ways? Play games? Go for a walk together after the meal? Reminisce over photo albums or watch old home-movies together? Find ways to bring family back to the forefront of your celebration.
Give Thanks to God
We've always said a heartfelt prayer before the meal but several years ago I decided we should step-up the purposefulness of our giving thanks. I provided small pieces of paper and pen at each place setting and encouraged everyone to write down 3 things they were thankful for that year. The papers were then read aloud (but anonymously) by my father-in-law. We laughed and we cried as we listened.
Another year, I created a "Thanksgiving Tree" - that's simply a dead tree branch stuck in a clay pot! We each wrote and hung what we were thankful for on construction paper leaves.
I love what Proverbs 31 speaker Zoë Elmore does with her family:
Tom & I have hosted Thanksgiving for both our families for several years and began the tradition of verses of thanks. Since our home does not accommodate everyone dining together in one room, we found Bible verses that had the theme of being thankful, typed them up and then placed a different verse in each napkin at each table. Everyone takes a turn reading their verse and then sharing one thing they are grateful for from the past year. After lunch, we see who can remember their verse and/or what things those at their table were grateful for. The winner gets extra pie!"
Our beloved P31 leader Renee Swope also has some terrific ideas for making the holiday more meaningful:
One year we created "Thankful Turkeys" for the dinner table centerpiece. The week before, we gathered two large pine cones and added features to make them look like turkeys without feathers. Then we cut out feather-shaped pieces of red, green, yellow and orange construction paper to hand to each person as they arrived on Thanksgiving Day. The kids asked each guest to write down one thing they were thankful for on the feathers. The kids gathered feathers and stuck them in the turkeys for table decorations. Before dinner, we had them "pluck" the feathers and my husband read out loud each person's reflection of thanks. Then we held hands and prayed. It was very sentimental and it brought more spiritual emphasis as well as personal sharing to our time together.
This year we plan to start a new tradition of a "Thankful Journal" on Thanksgiving Day. We'll enter something for each person each evening before bed. On Christmas morning at breakfast, before we open our presents, we will give God our "gifts of gratitude" as we read each entry out loud to Him and each other.
There are many ways to appreciate God's profound goodness and celebrate the blessing of family on Thanksgiving Day. I encourage you to spend some time in thought, prayer and conversation deciding the goals you'd like to set for this holiday season. Look for intentional ways to emphasize family togetherness and to express gratitude to the Lord for His provision in your lives. Your best Thanksgiving ever could be just around the corner!
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